more than you wanted to know

I am free of jet lag now, so I am trying to write about Japan. I went there for ten days with my sister. We rode trains all over the place.

We went to a temple in Tokyo and I was humbled by a bug. We ate sukiyaki! I slept on a futon.

We took a train to Nikko. We bathed in hot springs. We saw more temples and shrines and things that reminded us of the Legend of Zelda. I saw a vending machine with beer in it. I ate that thing that the girl spit out on America's Next Top Model. It was sour but not bad, she was a baby. I went for some beautiful runs. Did you know I love running? I really really do.

We took a train to Kyoto. We went to temples and a golden pavilion and a MONKEY PARK. The monkey park was on top of a mountain. These monkeys just hung out up there, we walked among them. We fed them peanuts! There was also a playground for the monkeys. We watched them slide down slides and play on a teeter totter. MONKEYS. I also saw a geisha, but not in the monkey park. In the streets of Kyoto.

We went to Nara (on a train!), where they have tame deer and a Giant Buddha. I bought a deer hat, as I believe every vacation should involve me and a weird hat at some point. We fed deer.

We went to Nagasaki, also by train (I don't know why I feel the need to tell you we kept taking trains places, of course we took trains places), which is not on the main island of Japan. So that's sweet. We saw Dejima, which for 200 years was the only foreign trading post in Japan. With DUTCH PEOPLE. Those crazy Dutch. Then we went to the Peace Park and saw where the atomic bomb fell. I cried a lot. I am still kind of upset about it but I had a long talk with Rob about it today and I feel better.

Then we took a train to Osaka, where we experienced Pizza Hut in Japan and went to a castle and learned about history.

Back to Tokyo, lots of shopping, agonized over buying a gift. Adrianne got the coat of her dreams. I got some mugs and a Halloween costume. So. sweet.

things I loved in Japan: Egg salad sandwiches, Kirin straight tea (oh how ironic!), not being the shortest adult around, history, small portions, old people being integrated into society, quality public transit, Coke being 10x more delicious, having time to myself, salad and riceballs for breakfast, being with a sister who's pretty awesome and speaks Japanese

We had a week-long odyssey of finding cheese-flavored treats. I also ate something like "caramel tastes" which were... inexplicable corn puffs with caramel flavoring? They were good. It sounds like I am obsessed with food here, I think it's just because I'm hungry and I'm waiting for my food to be delivered.

anyhow.

Good trip!
back to life. Job is better. choir is good! training is good. caveperson.

FOOD IS HERE. bye.

I'm leaving for Japan in twenty minutes!
well I'm leaving for the airport. To get on a plane. To go to Japan.
Really I won't be leaving for another three hours.
Am I excited? Yes.

I brought a lot of poetry and loaded a bunch of Battlestar Galactica onto my iPod.
p.s. did you know I hate Apple? Which is amazing considering the SHEER AMOUNT OF APPLE PRODUCTS I OWN. I was trying to reset my iPod last night and Christ if I didn't have to track down an "iPod could not be reset because it could not be unmounted" error for fifteen minutes.

ALSO
i bought some poetry to read, I finally got some James Tate which I'm pretty stoked about. I had to choose what to bring with me, it was really really hard. Like choosing between your children. that I don't have.

meep meep
I'm in love with the world again.

I have two tickets to see Pavement play in Central Park next September. Holy. Shit. I'm so excited.

Jeff came to visit. I miss that bastard, I hope someday we live in the same city again.

Training is still going well. I think my trainer has figured out I'm family; she complimented me on my glasses yesterday. Oh! I got new glasses. They're geeky and gay and fantastic.

The grand coming out tour continues. My godfather called me yesterday and pretty much asked me if I was a lesbian. It went well. It feels good? I don't actually believe it happened.

I finally got started watching Battlestar and as predicted, I am in love with Starbuck.

Going to Japan in three weeks with my sister. Awesome.

In two weeks I am going skydiving, don't tell my mother.

I ate actual shrimp for the first time last weekend, it's not so scary!

I thought I was going to buy a house and now I'm not going to buy a house.

blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah

Firstly, (and I don't know why this continues to surprise me) time continues to pass. It moves forward. It goes on. Did you know I graduated from college two years ago? That I left my old job in January? Once upon a time I said, "I'm not going to get an Illinois drivers license. My Michigan one expires in 2009, and I want to be out of Illinois by then anyway." This seems like a strange thought now. doesn't 2010 sound very science fiction-like? I want my fucking hovercar.

One day you buy a daybed and bedding and completely rearrange a room on a whim because it's bothering you for some unknown reason, and you realize you are exactly like your mother.

My job is fun and full of cool people. I still have to work on the "don't commit to too many things" and "don't get needlessly stressed" parts of my life, but I feel I am making progress.

I've been going to a trainer for a month now. It's cool? It's nice to not just lose weight but to gain muscle, which I've never really done before. I feel a little weird about it, because a) it's a significant expense; b) does this make me an asshole, that I have a personal trainer? among other things.

I feel simultaneously as if I am flowing effortlessly with the world around me and adrift, unsure where things are going. I don't know why I'd need to know where things were going if I could just trust myself. but there you go.

Ramble ramble. I just got an iPhone and had to manually transfer my contacts. The number of girls in there who I've never called back was a little ridiculous.

I think I should always write entries while I am tired.

there's still so much to learn.

i need new contacts.

i made a joke tonight and it was met with confusion, so the joke turns out to be how awkward i am.

i would draw some awkward turtle ascii art here
but that sounds like a lot of work

so much to say! and yet not.

--I moved into my new apartment and it's amazing. I love living with Mary. I love spontaneous jams and drinking wine and walking to bars.
--I love my new guitar lessons.
--I love my job! Still! I'm a full time employee now. I CAN HAS HEATLH INSURANCE
--I love my friends!
--WE HAD A PARTY! It was successful! There were so many people. I made a breakfast casserole.
--I am going to try to stop eating like a hobo.
--I'm going to NYC next weekend and visiting Leeeeeee!
--Casey came to visit! We tasted Chicago.
--I am starting to feel really comfortable with my gender expression. It's great.
--yesterday I bought apple juice. Finally.
so things are good, I like living, blah blah blah!

this is my last night in Evanston.

I have lived here for six years.

in theory I am only moving 8 miles away, but in the city eight miles doesn't mean eight minutes. it means an hour. it means two train lines, or a 30 dollar cab ride.

i'm excited, of course. i love my roommate and my new place is huge and the neighborhood is fantastic and i'm really really really ready to live in the city.

but saying goodbye, it's a weird thing.

hello to the new stuff!

I'm so bad at writing in this consistently. "Everything's coming up rhiko" should be the general summary of things.

I really like my job. I like the stuff I do, I love the people, I have friends, I get free Diet Coke and granola bars (and beer, too, but I find drinking while coding is problematic). (The money is pretty good too? This is nice.) My commute right now is pretty short.

After a few weeks of housing drama, things have quieted down. Mary and I found a beautiful apartment in Boystown. It's so big! It's so cheap! We're going to have room for my guitars and my bass and her drumset and her guitar and my recording equipment. We're signing a lease on Wednesday; I move in a month. How strange that I'm finally leaving Evanston...

I introduced two girls and they have fallen hard for each other. This must be good relationship karma, right?

I helped my sister move this morning!

now I am going out on an Adventure, an Adventure with a capital A.

Here is my no-poo experience.
(http://babyslime.livejournal.com/174054.html for info on no-poo. In case you haven't heard of it.)

I did conditioner-only washes for about a week. Then I switched to BS/ACV every four days (with dry applications of cornstarch on my roots in between since my hair is detoxing.)

So far I have noticed that a) my hair feels way healthier b) it looks good EVERY DAY and c) apparently when i don't, you know, strip out all my natural oils with shampoo, my hair is curly.

C) is actually the really interesting one. I have been aware for a while that my hair had a vaguely wavy texture, and that under the right circumstances, it could look curly-ish. Now when I get out of the shower, it's definitely in curls. And they stay fairly well defined! It's GREAT.

So, if you're interested in no-poo, I can give you more details. it DOES sort of make you feel like you're in a cult. a CULT OF GREAT HAIR.

1. i am almost employed. i am in serious straits with two different companies. cool? sure.
2. actually i don't know how i feel about that
3. today i went painting with diana
4. and ate ethiopian food with jessie and lindsey, which was adventurous and really really sweet because we did the thing where you break off pieces of the injera and share with each other to show how special you are to each other. it made me really happy
5. and now i am going to a party with some dudes from college i haven't seen in a while, and jen is coming with me, so it should be many kinds of entertaining
6. MY TELEPHONE IS A GRAVEYARD
7. how is it that you can spend an hour writing three sentences?
8. say "hipster grifter" five times fast
9. you can't, it's impossible.
10. "So Charlie and I were reading 'Psychology Today'... yesterday..."
11. maybe i should write in this more often
12. i am not moving to dreamwidth unless you drag me.

Two months into willful unemployment. How has that happened? incredible. Here are some things.

I flew to Los Angeles, helped Jen move a couch out of her apartment, packed up her car, got on the road. I listened to Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain in the car in California. We almost got in a car accident. We drove to Tuscon, had dinner with her grandparents. I fell in love with the desert. I listened to American Water in the car in Texas. A cop pulled me over for driving in the left hand lane and gave me a warning. The whole time I could only think about how beautiful the night was. We ate a lot of Mexican food. We stopped in Austin and went to a bris for her cousin's babies. A double bris. And then we wound our way through Oklahoma and Missouri until finally we were back in Chicago. Hello!

so there was that.

Then there was the part where I went to Ireland, bummed around in hostels, took lots of buses. Galway is great. You should go there. then I went to Inish Boffin. my friend got married there. i don't think I have ever been anywhere so remote. Gorgeous.

Starting to talk to recruiters now, possibly ready for a job. I would like to take a writing class, I don't know where.

My life feels very full. It's a good feeling.

i saw i love you, man today with jen. it was cute. you should see it. do you like paul rudd? OF COURSE YOU LIKE PAUL RUDD. I'm a lesbian and even I like him! can he be my brother, i don't have one.

lee i know i promised you some alan watts lectures, i will get on that.

So. I uh. quit my job.

[pause]

See. They offered a "Voluntary Separation Program." In non-consultant speak, this is a buyout. It's like four months of my salary. Sooooo. I applied to voluntarily separate. My last day is the end of this week.

Here is how life is going to look for a while:
get up, go for a run. Write. play guitar. Maybe get a part-time job to get out of the house? Learn how to cook some dinner. Hang out with my friends. Sleep.

I have lots of in-demand skills, in one of the only sectors of the economy that's still hiring. When I feel like getting a job I'll get one -- no worries.

I'm excited and scared and all these big crazy emotions. But this feels like a very right thing.

yeah so. been a while, huh?

Here's what's happened since we last spoke.

I hated my job so much that I became obsessed with the McDonald's monopoly game and ate there two to three times a day for a month. I did not win a million dollars. My body felt so disgusting.

I kept working.

Made some really good friends. Read some really good books. Bought a bass guitar, started taking lessons. It's helping my guitar playing a lot as well, so it's a winner. Joined a gym since running outside is no longer feasible.

have you watched the Wire? You should watch the Wire. it's the best thing i've ever fucking seen. If you're scared of needles i promise you can get over it, I did. to watch the show i mean. i am still scared of them in real life.

i went to a protest, my first protest. i walked down the streets with queers i'd just met and screamed for equal rights. do you know how weird it is to start shouting something and then hear 50 people slowly start shouting with you? i cried.

am going on vacation to San Antonio, where i plan on remembering. and drinking. and going to a football game.

so here's all this stuff. things are going pretty well, except there are still these tiny gnawing nanobots under my flesh, and it just makes me angry and frustrated a lot.

so I am going to do something. I am going to go abroad next fall for nine months or so. I am going to work on my portfolio and apply for MFA programs when I get back. It is terrifying. but it's change. and I think it will be good for me.

I will be 24 in a few weeks. what a difference a year makes.

The last few things have been put into place. I have a bookshelf, some storage units. Custom frames. I picked up the frames on Friday night -- they're absolutely gorgeous, everything I wanted, etc. etc. But it occurred to me that I needed nothing else for my apartment and I started bawling. What am I supposed to do now?

(answer: study. play guitar. read books. hang out with people)

I spent a lot of time last year longing for a community, and it seems I've collected one. I've got all these little pockets of people to be with and it's really wonderful. Thursday I spent the night with Shannon and Paul and Amanda. On Friday I went shopping with Diana. Saturday I watched football with Charlie and Joshua; Saturday night I hung out with Rob. Today I watched a movie with Jessie and Lindsey. (That's a lot of names. And a lot of things. I know.) And my sister is in the city now, and I'm playing flag football, etc.! ! etc.

Today I had black beans on a burrito for the first time. It was delicious.

I got my hair cut a few weeks ago and I hate it.

I am worried that I am an elitist.

Starting to watch the Wire.

what am I supposed to do with all this space.

stop talking about Sarah Palin please.

I moved yesterday, with the help of my wonderful sister and an extremely efficient moving company. Then I actually started unpacking. I don't think you understand how strange this is -- last year I didn't start unpacking my stuff until something two or three months in, and even then it was because I had someone to kick my ass about it. The only things I have left are my electronics/music box and my Dvd/book box, both of which I'm not sure what to do with until I have my furniture assembled (Tv stand mostly...)

This morning I woke up and went to go brush my teeth and I noticed there were dirty pawprints on the bathroom floor. This was... perplexing to say the least. I had just cleaned the bathroom last night -- an adventure that involved me using two cleaners around the same time that apparently should not have been. (Neither of them said bleach on it!! How was I supposed to know they were going to create death fumes?!?!) After that mishap, I opened the bathroom window and turned on a fan, and all was well.

Dirty pawprints though. Had Sophie somehow gotten her feet wet in the tub and then made a mess? I looked in the tub to investigate. More pawprints. And then I looked up at the window and noticed... there was no screen anymore. She knocked out the bathroom screen and went exploring on the roof while I was sleeping!

BAD KITTEN. I just started cracking up.

On the docket for today: recleaning the bathroom (this time, no death!), throwing away shit/cleaning the old apartment, putting together the tv stand. I have no internet or cable until the 6th (siiiiigh) and trying to get wireless from Rob is apparently futile. But there are plenty of restaurants/coffee shops nearby with free internet to abuse. Plus I'll be at work for most of this week, so it really will be fine.

already I have run into Anne (who also lives in my building, hurray!) and then last night I ran into Marcus while stealing internet at BK. This was a really great move, I'm really happy about it.

blah blah blah smileyface.

I've been back from China for three days, I can't sleep, I feel like shit. China was insane. How the hell was I even there. Weirdness.

When people tell you everyone in Beijing speaks English they are in fact LYING.

Smog gave me headaches.

It was really, really grey the whole time. Lots of bikes. Be careful when you cross the street because no one is going to yield for you, it's just not what they do.

I went to a Hooter's? Partly because it was novel and partly because I really wanted American food. Diet Coke tastes weird there, sweeter. I also ate: papaya, raw tuna, dragonfruit, chicken foot, dog. I had to really hunt for the dog. It was gross. i am trying new things, i never try new things. aren't you proud? you don't have to be if you don't want to.

I bought a bunch of stuff while I was in china. i have given almost all of it away. do you know how that happens? it is like, you buy something, you like it, you come home and you realize it was never really yours in the first place and that you really bought it because it reminded you of someone. (or maybe i am just allergic to spending money on myself)

this is such a questioning entry. i am very questioning right now.

i didn't get to see much. i worked a lot. i have been reminded to not bitch about that, since i got to go to china for free.

it is very strange to be somewhere where it is almost certain the person you are talking to has no siblings.

taxis are practically free.

subway is clean and new and fast.

olympic greens could barely handle all the visitors two weeks before the olympics. prediction: it is going to suck hardcore when the olympics actually happens. bird's nest and aquatic center are super neat, especially at night.

i have abandoned capital letters, nothing is worth it when you are this sleep deprived

it was hard to sleep while i was there, didn't sleep a full night the whole time. i was so ready to come back, tired from working and not sleeping and going to the bathroom twenty times a day (i don't know why everything disagreed with me so much it was horrible) the client asked if i could stay a few more days but i was heartsick and homesick and so fucking tired and also, they asked me two and a half hours before my flight was going to leave and i was just like no. no. no.

but right, i went to china. insane.

and now i am back, and here is a life in front of me, and i don't know what i'm doing (still! this is a thing still) it is a job versus grad school terror mostly and i am not really sure and maybe i'm just saying i'm happy enough so that i don't have to do anything new, but i don't know.

i should rewrite this after i've slept but i probably won't, and if i delete it now you will know nothing about china.

or maybe you already know all about china because it's been in the fucking news a lot lately.

I'm getting on a plane to go to China in three hours.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

fuck

We broke up. There's no drama here to report. It was like we were both called to a body. I took out a first aid kit and she stopped me -- "I think it's dead." And I looked and knew she was right.

so... It's over and it's sad. Eight months, or something near, depending on how you count. Seems like a long time now. I know that as time goes on eight months is going to be a smaller and smaller portion of my life.

This morning a man got in the elevator, and he smelled like her.

I went out after work tonight for my run and squinted at the sky, which had that nasty navy look to it. "The weather channel said cloudy," I said out loud to myself, and I hoped that whatever was brewing up there would hold off.

It didn't, of course. About a half mile into my run it started raining -- not sprinkles, not pouring, but unmistakable rain. I decided it was really not that bad, running in the rain, and took that moment to look up to the sky and say, "That all you got? Fuck you!"

Of course then it started pouring.

I didn't realize how heavy my clothes would get. The last mile of my run I felt like there was an extra ten pounds on my body. But when I finally got back to my apartment I thought, Hmmm... my long run is going to feel eeeeasy this week....

I feel like I'm becoming a real runner.

Work is okay. I might get to go to China for a little, so I applied for a passport yesterday. It was a pain in the ass.

I have lost a lot of weight, which is cool.

Haven't been playing guitar, which makes me sad. Going to change that immediately.

Time moves a lot differently when you aren't in school. Here it is: March! the 9th! and it has almost been two full quarters since I've graduated. And it occurs to me that time is just going to keep going on. Maybe everyone else has figured this out already.

My grandma died about a month ago. At the end of this month, it will have been five years since my dad died. So there is that.

There are dates here and there -- holidays, I guess -- that don't really slow things down any, but at least make you aware of things. Easter is coming up in two weeks, which I was surprised by, and I have Malkmus & the Jicks tickets for Good Friday.

enough about time.

Here are the important things: I love myself. I'm growing. I'm questioning things that I've taken for granted. I have friendships that are precious. And there is a girl that I love in ways I didn't know I could.

So look at that. The sun will be out in the morning.

I broke up with my girlfriend last night. For those keeping track, this is the third time I've dumped her. The last two times were about four years ago, and they were because I was scared and not ready to be with a girl. This time, it is because she hurt me.

It is so many kinds of horrible.